Bipolar, Vacations, and Coping With the Chaos
Bipolar disorder doesn’t respect your out-of-office reply.
Hi there!
Last week, since it was already a short week, I took time off from work. It was time for me to finally completely decompress from tax season and to work on a few projects around the house. I always imagine I can do more than is humanly possible, and then when I have the time to do the work, I get frustrated that I get so little done.
One of the toughest challenges for me with living with chronic illness is knowing how much you can do. Not every day is consistent, nor is every energy level. While one day you can spend 4 hours working in the yard; another day, 30 minutes might be too long.
I did get a few things done, such as moving some variegated monkey grass and spreading the last of the cedar mulch, but there’s still so much to do. But every day, when I reached that limit, whether it was 10 minutes or 4 hours, I quit working, took a shower, and rested the remainder of the day. As hard as it is, taking care of yourself is always your number one job.
What I wasn’t prepared for was that the time off brought with it a flood of complicated emotions. I’ve been high and low, and a whole spattering of things in between. I feel like I brought some order to the chaos in my head but now my heart needs a bit of work.
There are changes I want to make, and other changes that I have to make, though I know they will be painful. Truthfully, I’m struggling with all of it, but that’s life in this world.
Vacation time should be all about rest and relaxation, but when you have bipolar disorder, there’s usually more that comes with it. Giving your brain lots of free time is sometimes not a great idea. Sometimes you get lost ruminating over things from 20 years ago or obsessing about the things you’re not doing today.
My week inspired this week’s content, which is all about how you can have the best vacation possible, even while living with mental illness. Part 1 is below.
To wrap up the update this week, I need your help. Please take a second to click below on which part of Speaking Bipolar is most helpful to you. I’m going to have to let some things go, but I want to make sure I’m keeping the things that are most useful.
If something else, please hit reply and let me know.
Thank you for being part of my bipolar community. Your support is what keeps me moving forward. Have a good one.
Until next time, keep fighting.
Scott Ninneman
The Mirage of the Perfect Vacation
A few years ago, I planned what was supposed to be the perfect relaxing getaway. I was exhausted, the daily grind had nearly ground me to dust, but I was sure that if I could just get to the ocean, all my stress and depressive symptoms would evaporate into the sea air.
I packed my bags, went to meet my friends, and we drove to beautiful beachfront condo. The sun was shining. The water was blue, the sand white and clean. And yet, on the second morning, I woke up with that familiar, heavy elephant-on-my-chest feeling. The depression had packed its bags and come right along with me.
I was furious with myself. I’m on vacation! I thought. I’m spending good money to be here. I’m supposed to be happy!
The pressure to have the perfect vacation ended up triggering a massive wave of guilt. I felt like I was failing at relaxing, one more failure to add to the list.
Here is the hard truth about traveling with a mental illness: a change of scenery doesn’t change everything.
A fresh landscape is wonderful for the soul, but it doesn’t rewrite your brain chemistry. Bipolar disorder doesn’t care that you’re at the beach, in the mountains, or exploring a new city.
When we travel, we disrupt our sleep routine, change our diets, and expose ourselves to unpredictable stress. For a neurotypical person, vacation is an adventure. For a bipolar nervous system, it can be a wrecking ball.
This week, we are talking about how to travel safely. We’re going to discuss stories about how to survive the road. The goal of traveling with bipolar disorder is to remain stable while you relax. You don’t get to leave bipolar behind, but you can make it a better traveling companion.
Your goal is to pack your stability right next to your toothbrush. Explore the world, but bring your boundaries with you.
Journal Prompt
Have you ever experienced a mood swing while on a trip? How did you react to it? Did you judge yourself for not being happy enough on vacation?
Scott Ninneman is the author of Speaking Bipolar’s 30 Days of Positivity, the Anchored in the Storm guided journal, and the writer behind SpeakingBipolar.com. Living in the mountains of southeast Tennessee, he spends his days crunching numbers as a tax preparer and his nights caring for his mother and writing stories about bipolar life. (And he loves pandas.)
Still here? I made this special thank you just for you.
I’ve gone on vacation during depressive episodes and fortunately, the activities lift my mood. It may shift again when I get home, however. There was a time I’d just gotten out of the hospital and we went away for a week. I had fun, but when we returned the depression came back and I was hospitalized again. But this is rare.