What if You Don’t Know Who You Want To Be?
It's okay if you don't know.
Hi there!
I lost my best friend in 2007. A distracted driver in a red dump truck crossed the centerline, and the world as I knew it ended.
For months, I held it together. I spent time with her family every day. Her closest friends knew they could rely on me for strength. As a smiling stone statue, I gave all I could. On the outside, I was a rock.
Inside, I was crumbling. Piece by piece, the person I was fell away, until finally, all I had left was the shell of a man. Lizzy was the best of me, and I didn’t know who to be without her.
My grief drove me into a dark land, and I lived there for several years. I returned to the unhealthy habit of self-harm and closed my heart off from the world. I believed the only way to never hurt again was to never love anyone else.
“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”
- Alan Watts
Scott Ninneman also publishes the free All Things Bipolar Newsletter (off Substack). The Sunday email features the newest content about bipolar life.
Coming Out of the Dark
Through medication and talk therapy, I found my way out of my barren wasteland. I couldn’t return to the man I was, but I also didn’t know who I wanted to be.
The man I was with her was funny, kind, and helpful. He was there to listen, lend a hand, and be your superhero when you needed one.
When I came out of the darkness, the hero man seemed unattainable. I couldn’t remember how to be him and wasn’t sure I wanted to be.
What do you become if you don’t know what you want to be? I was a ghost living with the memories of her.
Bearing grief is like surviving an explosion. Pieces of you scatter to the wind, and you fear you will never find them all again.
My journey to self-discovery is now part of why I write. Therapy taught me to strip away my layers to determine who I was at my core. Once there, it was up to me to decide which layers to rebuild. I had to decide what I would become.
Change Is Possible
The good news is we can change. None of us are ever permanently tied to what we were yesterday. We can build a new life, become a different person, start a new path.
The first step is to choose a direction. While I still can’t see my final goal, I know I want to help people. It’s the driving force behind my blog and online content.
While I dream of supporting myself with my writing, it doesn’t seem like that will ever happen. Maybe instead of helping millions, my purpose is just to help one person. I’ll have to wait and see.
In August 2024, I published my first book. I hope it will be the first of many, yet I don’t think any amount of books will be enough. There’s more I should do, but I’m not clear about what.
It’s okay if you don’t know who you want to be. We’re raised to believe we must have it all figured out by the time we start high school. Experts say we should pursue the right classes that will launch us toward our college experience. College should then propel us into the field that will give our life purpose and value.
The truth is very few people pick the right path that early in life.
Keep Trying New Things
What the experts don’t tell you is that even at 50, most people don’t know what they want to be. I barely remember the teenager I was in high school, but I know my life is not what he envisioned.
And I’m glad it’s not.
At 13, I was clueless about the possibilities. The world of cultures and scenic landscapes was hidden behind my tiny view in central Wisconsin. I was ignorant as to what the rest of the world had to offer. Time and experience taught me to make better choices.
Now, with every day, I learn more about the vast planet we live on. I experience more of the people walking on it. Their stories are helping me decide which way to go, but I’m not there yet.
Maybe I never will be. And that’s okay.
For now, I’m enjoying the journey. If I never decide on an end goal, at least I’ll have a life full of experiences along the way.
Your task today is to appreciate where you are. Forgive yourself for any goals you have yet to reach and find the positive in the place you’re in. It’s the journey that matters, not the destination.
And if you don’t know where you’re going yet, that’s okay too. The path will become clear in time.
Journal Prompt: How is your life different from what you imagined it would be? How is it better?
Creative Writing Prompt: Your character is your age and suddenly has to move halfway around the planet. Pick a random spot on the other side of the globe and put your character there. Spend a few minutes learning about the place and then write the story of your character’s first few days in the foreign land.
Until next time, keep fighting.
Scott Ninneman
Additional Reading:
The book that started it all…
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