What if You Don’t Know Who You Want To Be?
Grief made me feel like I had no direction, so I just kept moving forward.
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Trigger Warning: Self-harm
I lost my best friend in 2007. A distracted driver in a red dump truck crossed the centerline, and the world as I knew it ended.
For months, I held it together. I spent time with her family every day. Her closest friends knew they could rely on me for strength. As a smiling stone statue, I gave all I could. On the outside, I was a rock.
Inside, I was crumbling. Piece by piece, the person I was fell away, until finally, all I had left was the shell of a man.
My grief drove me into a dark land, and I lived there for several years. I returned to the unhealthy habit of self-harm and closed my heart off from the world. I believed the only way to never hurt again was to never love anyone else.
“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”
- Alan Watts
Scott Ninneman publishes two newsletters each week. The Sunday All Things Bipolar Newsletter features the newest content about bipolar life. The Speaking Bipolar Positivity Club Newsletter shares inspirational stories three times a week to help you maintain a positive mindset.
Coming Out of the Dark
Through medication and talk therapy, I found my way out of my barren wasteland. I couldn’t return to the man I was, but I also didn’t know who I wanted to be.
The man I was with her was fun, kind, and helpful. He was there to listen, lend a hand, and be your superhero when you needed one. When I came out of the darkness, the hero man seemed unattainable. I couldn’t remember how to be him and wasn’t sure I wanted to be.
What do you become if you don’t know what you want to be? I was a ghost living with the memories of her.
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