Move On from Painful Memories
This week the focus is on moving forward.
Welcome to the new format of the Speaking Bipolar Positivity Club. The free post is now on Mondays. For this week, all subscribers will receive all five newsletters for the week. Starting March 17, 2025, only paid subscribers will receive the Tuesday - Friday posts. See the full announcement below.
Hi there!
One of my exes cheated on me. Blatantly, painfully, and in the house I bought for us to share our lives together. The betrayal rocked me to my core, but what followed was worse.
First, so-called friends blamed me, saying her actions were my fault. They felt I didn't do enough to make her feel loved, so she turned to someone else. Those people were clueless about what really happened between us, but their words still hurt.
Then, there were the friends who came later, the ones I thought I could trust most, who told me they saw his car at our house late at night when my ex was supposed to be alone.
They thought something was going on, but chose not to tell me. They didn't want to get involved. Their betrayal cut deepest of all.
It may not make sense to start a positivity post by talking about betrayal, but there's a lesson here. Just because someone hurts you, it doesn't mean you have to become a victim. Your past experiences don’t have to define who you are, no matter how painful they might be.
Yes, our history helps shape who we become, but your destiny is not carved in stone. You don’t have to be a prisoner of those awful memories. You can choose to move on.
So how do you move on from a painful past? That’s our topic for this week. Let’s dive into step one.
“We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it.”
- Rick Warren
Acknowledge and feel the pain
I can’t hide how devastating it was to be betrayed, both by my ex and the friends who helped cover up what she did. For a while, I felt completely alone in the world, a battered man in an empty desert.
Bottle it up and your pain will intensify, like shaking a soda can on a warm day. Every emotion you try to avoid will fester like an open wound and come out later in unhealthy ways. For me, that included too many drunken nights.
My crushed heart thought the agony would kill me, but it was only by accepting my feelings, and actually feeling them, that I was able to start healing.
Was it easy? Lord no!
I ran from those memories like I was trying to escape a midnight stalker. I thought if I kept running, I would eventually leave the pain far enough behind that it would stop hurting me, but I was wrong. The heartache was always there.
Every. Single. Day.
So, it was time to take action.
Taking Action
One rainy morning, I decided I was done. It was time to face my stalker and accept the reality of what had happened.
People I cared about betrayed me, but their actions meant nothing about who I was. My ex made choices, and as painful as they were to me, those were her choices. Not mine.
For a few days, I sat with the betrayal like it was a houseguest refusing to leave. I let myself cry, chopped away at a stump in the backyard with an ax, and explored each feeling in my journal. I talked to the pain and then thought about why it hurt so much.
The pain was just as bad as I expected it to be. I hated every minute of the process, but then, a funny thing happened. When I felt all the emotions I was running from, I finally was able to look back at our relationship objectively.
While we were engaged, I had to admit that I didn't really want to marry her. In fact, we only got engaged because a good friend recommended it.
Now, that may not make sense, so let me explain. I have bipolar 1 disorder. One of the worst ways bipolar damages you is by making you doubt everything you think or feel.
Wanting to make wise decisions, you open yourself up to advice from others. That can be a good thing, but in this case, it was a terrible idea.
So was getting engaged to the woman who cheated on me.
When I sat down and faced my feelings head on, I realized that, not only was I not in love with her, but I didn't even like her as a person. She wasn’t even someone I would want to be friends with. Yet, we would have been married had she not cheated on me.
I was so blind about what I felt that I failed to see the flaws in our relationship. I wanted to be married so badly that I ignored what my heart was telling me simply because a friend told me it was a good thing.
Am I saying her cheating on me was a good thing? Absolutely not.
Her actions cut me so deeply that it was years before I could trust another woman. Those wounds, even when mostly healed, affected every relationship that came after.
But her betrayal did set me free. In time, I learned to heal, and then fell in love with the right person for me.
Facing your pain is only the first step to moving past painful memories. Tomorrow we'll discuss the next step.
Journal Prompt: What is a painful memory that is keeping you stuck? Take those memories off the shelf and explore how you feel about them. Imagine how you will feel once the pain subsides, and describe your future peace in your journal.
Until next time, keep fighting.
Scott Ninneman
Announcement
Changes to the Positivity Club
Here are a few changes coming to the Positivity Club.
Schedule
Starting today, the free post moves to Monday. The Monday newsletter will introduce a self-improvement theme, such as gratitude, journaling, or choosing better friends.
Tuesday through Friday will have shorter newsletters, each building on the week’s theme, and giving you a fresh journal prompt each day. These newsletters will only appear on Substack.
Starting March 17, 2025, the Tuesday through Friday issues will only go to paid subscribers.
Price
For now, you can sign up as a paid member of the Positivity Club for $5 per month or $40 per year. Sign up now, and as long as you stay a paying subscriber, that price will never increase.
Beginning May 5, 2025, the price for new subscribers goes to $15 per month or $100 per year.
Why the change? The simple answer is that I can’t keep doing all I have been doing. It costs about $2,000 a year to run the Speaking Bipolar site, pay for software, and keep the lights on. For seven years, nearly all of that expense has come out of my pocket.
It also takes me roughly 20 hours a week to write, edit, and format the newsletter content. The large time commitment needs to have more rewards for the energy I expend.
While I would love to keep everything free, that would be a poor business model. I’m also getting older, which means at some point, either my writing or my day job will have to go. I prefer to eliminate the latter, but that means my writing has to replace my income.
Before you panic, the All Things Bipolar Newsletter (currently off Substack) has always been and will stay free for everyone. The Monday post in the Positivity Club will also continue to be free for everyone.
I’m changing the Positivity Club because I keep getting requests for more content. The only way to write more stories is to spend more time at home. You see my problem.
I know some cannot afford to go paid, so I may give out extended trials on a case-by-case basis. Those who can support the Speaking Bipolar mission have my heartfelt gratitude. You are ensuring the future of the Speaking Bipolar site and all it does to help others.
Community
My first goal with the Positivity Club was to create a community for us to share our journeys together. The first platform I tried was too complex, so I moved to Substack. I knew it was a great model, but there were some issues early on.
Substack is more versatile and stronger now, so I’m focusing my free time there. If you want to “talk” to me, follow me in the Notes (Home) section. I try to respond to every message.
Notes is also where I post daily good morning messages and give brief updates on my life. Here’s an example:
If you’re new to Substack Notes, it’s a lot like Twitter used to be before it went to pieces. Notes is free for everyone.
In May, I will open up the community even further with a private chat for Positivity Club members. The private group will be the place to share your struggles, triumphs, and to cheer each other on. I’m excited to see how it develops.
Until next time, keep fighting.
Additional Reading
The book that started it all…
Disclaimer:
This email may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase through one of these links, I may receive a small commission at no additional cost to you.