Make a Contract With Yourself to Keep Living
How a simple piece of paper saved my life. (Includes suicide prevention resources.)
Life is worth living.
It may not always feel like it, but it is always the truth. Always.
It's hard in those darkest hours, especially when you are alone in the middle of the night, to remember this truth.
If you need help, seek it out immediately. You may also benefit by making a contract with yourself to keep living. Scroll down to find resources for suicide prevention by country.
Why Write This Post?
Recently, I started sharing more of my personal story of battling bipolar disorder. I was apprehensive about starting for fear that some of my dark days would inspire negative behavior in others.
Still, one tenant to blog success is to be open and honest with your readers. So for me, being open includes all the terrible parts that have been part of my journey.
With fear and trepidation, I set out to tell my story, but then this...
What About Trigger Warnings?
It had only been a few days since I posted my first part of surviving bipolar, my personal bipolar story. I was browsing book blogs. Up in my internet browser popped a title about trigger warnings.
My first thought was, "Oh, no, this supports every bad thing I was thinking."
That thought increased as I read the blogger’s negative experience after watching a show with very dark subject matter.
I wondered, Should I take my post down and stop writing? Would my story harm others?
What Are People Saying?
Almost immediately, I received comments and emails from people who had read the first installment and appreciated my story.
Honestly, I'm not sure if it's God, the universe talking to me, or just coincidence. Some would say there are no coincidences, but I wasn’t sure.
The matter weighed heavily on me for some days.
Looking Back
When I was thinking about my darkest days, the worst being in the mid-1990s, the internet was just gaining popularity. There were no Netflix or Hulu for online streaming and very few blogs to read.
There was MySpace, if you remember that, but seldom could you find any useful information in its pages.
The one thing I wanted the most back then was someone who understood me, someone who could tell me that things were going to get better.
Since I couldn't find that validation, I wanted everything to end.
Why Keep Living?
I did eventually seek help, as I share in my Surviving Bipolar series. One of the first doctors I saw made me sign a no-suicide contract. It was a simple piece of paper where I promised to stay alive until a certain date - that date being my next appointment.
I signed the contract, as it was the only way they would allow me to leave, but my immediate thought was rage and anger.
“How can this stupid piece of paper do anything to help me?” I screamed out in my head.
I walked out to the parking lot in front of the clinic, and in a true bipolar fashion, I made an enormous display of tearing the contract up into tiny pieces and scattering them into the wind.
The system had failed me. I went home in tears.
Did It Work?
A funny thing happened. Even though I didn’t have the contract to look back on, it continued to stick with me. I thought about the words and how I had signed my name to a promise not to hurt myself.
The days passed until my next appointment. I still thought the contract was a worthless piece of paper, but it had done its job. It kept me alive for another week, and then another, and so on, until I finally got the help I needed.
That brings me back to today. I'm going to continue to share my story, the good, the bad, and the truly awful parts of it.
It is imperative for me to do nothing to hurt you. I want you to know that no matter how bad things might be right now; it gets better. Those aren’t meaningless, after-school-special words. I am living proof.
You just have to keep going. The night will eventually end.
Will You Make a Promise to Yourself?
If you are contemplating suicide or other self-harm, I beg of you, please get help. You can find a no-suicide contract on Speaking Bipolar by searching for the title of this chapter. Print it off and vow to yourself to keep going.
It's not 1995 anymore. You have the internet. You have suicide prevention hotlines that you can reach out to for help. Call, text, or chat online.
You also have me.
Truth be told, I know I'm nothing special, but I understand. I know what it’s like to feel you're drowning, to feel you've fallen through the ice on a cold winter's night and can't find your way back out.
Yes, I’ve been there. I've cried your tears and felt your pain. I've spent long, lonely nights in what felt like unending agony.
Yet, I'm still here. Here for me, and here for you.
You are not alone.
Please don't give up.
Until next time, keep fighting.
Going to a psychiatric hospital is a scary thought for many. Read, The Harsh Experience of Being Committed to a Psychiatric Hospital, to learn about my 10-day stay, and why I would do it again.
Resources for Suicide Prevention
United States:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Telephone: 1-800-273-8255
Chat option available
Canada:
Telephone: 1.833.456.4566 – Available 24/7
Text: 45645 – Available Daily 4pm-12am ET
Chat option available
Crisis Text Line – 24/7 nationwide crisis-intervention text-message hotline created in partnership with Kids Help Phone.
Text: HOME to 686868 in Canada to text with a trained Crisis Responder.
United Kingdom:
Samaritans – 24/7, toll-free crisis line, as well as local branches.
Telephone: 116 123
Campaign Against Living Miserably – It has a limited-hour phone and webchat options every day from 5 PM to midnight.
Telephone: 0800 58 58 58
Other Countries:
List of suicide crisis lines for other lands
Please forgive me if I have not listed your country. Your life is valuable. Do an internet search for “suicide hotline” in your country to find a local number or chat option.