Leon MacFayden Interview: Q&A About Depression and PTSD
My conversation with a fellow mental illness warrior and writer.
Hi there!
TW: Suicide
Today we’re going to change things up a bit.
A few weeks ago, I did a newsletter swap with Leon MacFayden. Instead of the regular positivity post, I want to share my interview with Leon about dealing with depression and PTSD.
Leon’s story is a great reason to be positive.
About Leon
Leon MacFayden is a writer and the creator of the Substack Policing Mental Health. He writes for many publications, sharing his experiences as a police officer who experienced mental health problems for twenty years and recovered.
As a police officer, he worked in challenging inner city areas and eventually cracked under the strain. He began suffering flashbacks, depression, and anger and was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Schizophrenia and told he was 100 percent disabled forever. His life as he knew it was over.
After a long struggle, he defied expectations and healed.
The Interview
Scott: Leon, I’m really excited to have you here today. Let’s jump right into the questions. Tell us a little about your history with mental illness. How did you respond to your first diagnosis?
Leon: I joined the police in 2003 and just a few months into my service I was called to an incident where two teenage girls had killed themselves by jumping from a tower block.
I sucked it up at the time and tried to continue working but I went to more and more tragic incidents. The final straw was a man who had [brutally killed] his wife and their baby, before killing himself with sleeping pills.
I started crying and having panic attacks before going to work, and one day, I broke down and told my Sergeant what was happening. I was then diagnosed with PTSD and told I was 100 percent disabled for the rest of my life.
PTSD led to a decade long depression and side effects from dozens of medications. It was a trial and error process and it took more than a dozen medications to find the right combination.
By this time I was also suffering delusions and hallucinations. I thought a famous magician was stealing my thoughts and that Obama and the UK government were rounding up the mentally ill and shipping us off to secret death camps in Siberia. On the street I would spot “operatives” everywhere, monitoring where I was going. I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia.
I could handle my PTSD diagnosis. PTSD is the illness of the brave. You have to have done something extraordinary to get it. Bravery in war, assault survivors, emergency service workers. These are the heroes that get PTSD.
Schizophrenia is different. Schizophrenia is a “cross the road when you see me coming” kind of illness. The stuff of nightmares. The archetypal axe murderer. I hated this diagnosis. I kept it secret for a long time.
Scott: Wow, that’s really tough. I think most of us felt similar feelings with our diagnoses. Why did you start sharing your story online?
Leon: I’ve reached a point where I’m better than I ever thought possible. I’ve beaten depression, am symptom free from schizophrenia and am working on my PTSD daily.
I’m now a day trader and investor. I have my own house, money and a girlfriend. We’ve been together 20 years. People like me aren’t supposed to get to this stage. I haven’t done badly for someone ruled 100 percent disabled.
My mission now is to share my recovery with others. I want to prove that anything is possible. You’re never too old or broken to change your life. I want to spare others the misery that I’ve endured.
Scott: That’s exactly why you’re becoming one of my favorite mental health writers. What's the best piece of advice you ever received for your mental health?
Leon: It’s very hard to remember good advice because every expert I’ve ever encountered, from doctors to therapists, have been universally terrible. My first doctor pulled out 2 puppets and did a magic show when I told him I was depressed.
The best advice was from author Geoff Thompson, whose books I read before getting ill. He is a world renowned martial artist and former bouncer who writes extensively about fear. He says that courage is not the absence of fear, for that would be impossible. Instead, it’s doing what’s necessary in spite of how you feel. This served me very well in my police career and in my struggles with mental health.
Scott: I love that. Fear is a tough challenge for most of us. How do you stay positive despite your struggles?
Leon: I wouldn’t say I stay positive. I stay realistic. I’ve seen life in it’s most desperate, evil and horrific version through my career and it’s scarred me. Despite wanting to help others, I’m weary of everybody and trust just two people. Ideally, I’d live far away from anyone except my mum and girlfriend.
What helps me enjoy life is the love of my family and having a purpose. I wake up every day excited to write and day trade. These are my passions that I never discovered until 40 years old. Until then I had no idea I would be doing these things.
Having a purpose, being loved and the right medication have kept me alive through my worst times. I see the world for what it is, and I accept it more now.
Scott: Those are all such great things, especially having supportive people in your life. Being realistic is a vital part of healthy positivity and mental stability. How has your journey with PTSD, depression, and schizophrenia changed over time?
Leon: I used to be full of anger. It took years to get the “hardness” of police work out of me. My girlfriend can see the difference as starkly as night and day from who I used to be compared to now. I wasn’t a nice person.
I’m still easily angered but I have complete control now. If I can see an argument brewing I’ll go for a walk to calm down before I say anything I regret. I’ve saved myself so much guilt that way.
I no longer have depression. Occasionally I can feel the “black dog” nipping at my heels but I always manage to outrun it. I also have no Schizophrenia symptoms—no delusions and no voices. I have to sometimes check with my family about the delusions because, by their nature, I wouldn’t know if I had them.
Overall, I’m happier, calmer and healthier. I’m mostly glad to be alive.
Scott: Isn’t that the best feeling? When you reach a point where you want to live again, it’s so great. What would you tell someone at the beginning of their journey with PTSD and depression?
Leon: PTSD can be caused by so many different things, but the thing that unites us is that we’re survivors of some of the most horrific things imaginable. Talk to someone. Don’t let it fester.
I kept quiet about the double suicide for 20 years. It took hold of me and influenced every area of my life. Very recently I decided enough was enough and I started writing and talking about it. The more you talk, the easier it gets.
Talk to a doctor and if they recommend medication, don’t be afraid to take it. Medication is the single biggest reason I’m still alive. It saved me and it might save you, too.
My medication cured my depression too. Obviously this is not everyone’s experience, but it can be a ray of hope—and as long as you find that ray of hope, you have more chance of lasting until tomorrow, then the next day, etc.
Suicide is caused by the absence of hope. My story indicates that you can recover from even the most severe depression. And I’m not alone. You may not feel it now, but one day you’ll start to feel a bit better. Then a bit more.
Be kind to yourself. Getting out of bed can be a Herculean feat of strength. Other people may not recognize that, but those of us who know can see it.
Scott: So true! The true weight and darkness of depression is something you can’t fully understand unless you’ve been there. It’s essential to be kind to yourself, no matter what your mind is telling you. What's the most important message you want readers to take from your content?
Leon: You’re never too old, broken or trapped to change your life. New hobbies, interests, friends and experiences are all yours for the taking, whenever you’re ready to take them.
Scott: What an excellent message. You’re really doing a lot to help others cope with their struggles, including me. Where can readers see more of your content?
Leon:
I write on Substack at:
[In each newsletter,] I write about mental health and interview experts and survivors.
Scott: Leon, thank you so much for being here today and for being an example for other mental illness warriors. You’re proving what’s possible for so many.
(To my readers) You can also read more of Leon’s work through the links below and by adding your email address above.
To read Leon’s interview of me, click here.
Until next time, keep fighting.
Scott Ninneman
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Brilliant Q&A session, its wonderful to see Leon being so open and honest after many years of suffering in silence! Hope it helps someone else that may need help.