How To Start Feeling Again When You've Been Numb Too Long
Tearing up magazines helped me find my emotions
Hi there!
I used to collect magazines.
Not in a hoarder sort of way, but a substantial collection just the same. I would subscribe to magazines while manic, but after the first or second issue, I was no longer interested. Of course, I wanted to benefit from what I paid for, so I kept every issue.
I knew one day I would get back to them. I was wrong.
Then one day, I don’t remember what set me off, but I snapped. Something inside broke. Angry, hurt, and frustrated with a head full of noise that never stops, my eye caught a knee-high stack of magazines in the corner.
The rest, as they say, is history.
“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
- Mark Twain
Scott Ninneman also publishes the free All Things Bipolar Newsletter (off Substack) The Sunday email features the newest content about bipolar life.
Bipolar Can Be Destructive
It’s common to feel destructive during a rough bipolar cycle, and those glossy pages got the brunt of my rage.
First, I tore the cover off of a Men’s Health. The smiling actor on the front showing a body I will never have taunted me. I tore his picture in two. Then I crumpled each piece and threw it.
The rush was intense. For the first time in days, I felt something.
Another page went, then another.
The crumpled pages soothed my soul, so I tore into the stack with gusto. Page after page, ripped, crumpled, then thrown away from me. Gone went the Men’s Health, The Writer’s Digest, Entertainment Weekly, Reader’s Digest, and everything else. (affiliate links)
At some point, I started crying, but the destruction went on. One glossy picture at a time, I destroyed them all.
Destruction Can Cause Healing
It must have taken hours.
I really don’t have any clear memories after those first few pages, but when I was done, every magazine was destroyed. No two pages were left together. Each piece was a crumpled ball scattered around my living room, to a depth of nearly two feet.
There are times you have to take action to feel anything.
I can’t recommend destroying property, but magazines are a safe alternative. If you’re angry, rip out a page, crumple it up, and throw it. Sad? Rip out a page. Numb? Tear those pages away.
My frenzied afternoon taught me that sometimes you have to feel something before you can feel anything else.
If you’ve been numb for a while, try destroying a magazine. Rip up a newspaper or go outside and break sticks.
Don’t harm anyone or anything of value, but it’s okay to destroy something to feel again.
You can also choose an activity you know makes you feel again. Play an instrument, scream along to an angry song, or dance in the rain. When you feel one emotion, others will follow, so let yourself feel.
How do you stop feeling numb? Please share your suggestions in the comments.
Write Your Way Out
As a writer, putting pen to paper often gets my emotions flowing again. Use these writing prompts to see what writing can do for you.
Journal Prompt: Explore the topic of being numb. Describe a time you were numb and how you finally overcame it. Can you repeat the process the next time you’re numb?
Creative Writing Prompt: A woman, tired of feeling numb, is fed up with her condescending boss. She quits her job in a loud and explosive way. Tell the story.
Until next time, keep fighting.
Scott Ninneman
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